i’d like to be happy sometimes, but my mind is always reminded of all the people suffering and dying around the world. it would just seem so stupid to be happy, when there are so many people unhappy. if these people are right there in front of you, you wouldn’t be happy, you would be sad. and if i say that ‘this is life, and these things happen, and it shouldn’t stop us from having a gay old time’, right there, right in front of those people, you would look at me like i’m crazy. but why does physical dimensions matter? in my mind they are always there, begging for help. so how can i be happy?

i’ve met a lot of sci-fi nerds like me.

and i’ve met fewer creative and artistic people like me.

i’ve met even fewer people who understand the need for intelligence, and the future of humanity.

i’ve met a great deal of so called philosophical intellects.

and i’ve even met a few skeptics like me, who see everything and nothing, who understand infinity, and who will never deny the possibility of not actually being here nor there, or existing at all.

i’ve met people who seek originality.

i’ve met people who understand and can laugh at borderline psychotic humor.

i’ve met a great deal of people who live in darkness, crave horror, and even those others worry may go crazy some day.

i’ve met people who are free and open-minded, think unbiasedly like children, or just act like children.

and i’ve met a few quiet people, who understand loneliness, and depression, and emotion, and can sit and meditate for hours, reflecting on the past and can smile as they cry.

i’ve even met people who can create an entire world in their own mind, and only see perfection in that, and are drawn away from everything in this unimaginative world.

i’ve met a few narcissists too.

but i’ve never met anyone with all these qualities.

and i don’t think i ever will.

and that is why i will never fully connect with anyone.

and am forever alone.

.

no one exists besides me. you are all created by my mind for my life, my story. and the only time you exist is when you appear in front of me. when i talk to you online, i am talking to an idea, not a physical body miles away. everything beyond my view is black nothingness until i arrive there. its like an orb around my body. i don’t have a body. i don’t have a mind. there is only nothingness.

..

i was dreaming about things that didn’t exist. ideas, mathematical equations, geometric shapes. nothing visible. just ideas. i can’t even explain the madness of it. it was as if i was in some new dimension. or i was creating one. and it all made sense to me then, at the time, in my dream. it all made perfect sense. but of course when i awoke i forgot it. it was until i had the same type of dream again that i recalled the previous, and realized how absurd it all was. what was i trying to figure out? was there meaning behind any of it? i doubt it. it’s just one of those things your mind does, reaching in and out of neurons without a purpose or goal.

…

i’ve been here before, only, once i was a child, and now i am dying. maybe that’s how it all works. maybe that’s the truth to everything. a child looks at an old woman, unfamiliar. was this person always old? to you people look the same day after day. what is it to grow? you are now the old woman. you smile. the child is afraid. you are ugly. its a never ending cycle, and each one of us will go through it. there’s no escape.

….

pretend for a moment that ever since the instant you were born you were unable to fully breathe. and as you grew you found it harder and harder. and all you ever wanted was to be like all the other normal breathers. and so you were forced to lie to yourself and say you’re special. and it warps around your mind to make you think you are actually better than all these other people. but it just pushes you farther into seclusion until you know no one and no one knows you, or even cares. and you begin to cry, realizing the truth to your sad existence. no one will understand. all they will see is a selfish child. a reflection of themselves before they knew anything about the real world.

am i just a desert? god? what am i? is life about feeling or thinking or nothing? why am i no longer real? what happened to people? you self-centered bastard. you make me sick. you make me cry. stop feeding my mind. i never even wanted it. but now that i have it i can’t let it go. i feel bolted to the floor. in a chamber. i’m sick here. stay with me. don’t leave me in the dark. i don’t want to fall asleep. i want to last forever in a cycle. spinning for eons. but the sun will rise and light will shine in my eyes and break the iris in to a diamond splitting color into millions of pixels for my processor to feed me. hardwired. and skilled. i was sent back in time. i think. what happened to me? they must have erased my memory. i’ll jot things down. remember things. remember. remember your name. what is it? can’t remember. god? what am i?

What were you doing talking to an outsider? You know they are full of nothing but lies! The powerless darkness bleeds out of their mortal bodies, the un-glowing gray from their colorless skin, they’re depressing in nature. Your happiness will leave you the longer you are with them, they’ll suck you dry. You know better, Horen. What were you thinking?

I wanted to feel something different. I’ve never felt darkness before. It isn’t darkness, but the unknown. It’s the unknown you fear. And sometimes I feel that you are the heartless, not they. You are the ones who will not open up to the world, secluded forever in the haven. The beauty of this forest which I once cherished, now disgusts me. I don’t know if I could live in it a second longer. But I don’t have the courage to leave. It’s as if I’m not strong enough to go on my own, not without a companion, and knowing none of you will ever join me, I stab myself in my own chest, curling myself back into this world where I was born, and will undoubtably die, too scared for adventure, too scared for truth. And so I will forever live in this fantasy, which I know deep down is a lie, and I will forget one day, and be ignorant and happy once again… Life is sick.

i’m learning how to become a fossil.

you look around.

diamonds.

and forever it will be named,

tomorrow’s moon.

and today is rebirthed.

and yesterday is death.

a satellite may catch the faint call.

the call of hunger.

the call of disaster.

the wild will return.

and to the wild breathe shall be tamed.

fight will die.

large creatures will roam.

in the darkness voices will learn to see.

and pathways to new dimensions repeat.

for this is the rebirth.

of the new age.

the dawn of the tortoise and the fire figure.

dipped deep into flame.

and projected to life infinity.

power will be lost and spun.

out of control our hearts will be one.

sanity will be lost.

we will become.

to lie is against my genetics.

but i am human to my surprise.

and lying although is against me, it may happen over reconsideration.

i feel a desire to write what i feel.

but feeling isn’t everything.

feeling is nothing according to logic.

the rules are all that apply.

emotion is nonconclusional.

but here i have made up a word.

and with that in mind i will now destroy logic.

to destroy logic is illogical.

but to think logically is illogical.

if i were really to begin this discussion which i apparently am now.

i would begin with this.

logic is as much bullshit as faith is.

faith is to believe in something with no proof.

and logic is to believe in something with all proof.

but.

what is proof?

proof is fact.

but fact is according to law.

the laws of the universe.

that is what logic is governed by.

but how do we know the laws of the universe?

who’s to say we know all?

einstein came up with the latest theory of the universe.

how do we know there are not more?

but more importantly.

how do we know any are right?

there is never a 100% chance on anything.

if you think there is you are 100% wrong.

now grant it, according to what we know of the laws of the universe.

much of what science says is agreed upon.

but you can’t agree with the laws of the universe.

they are created by humans.

why?

numbers are created by humans.

charts are created by humans.

so why isn’t logic created by humans?

it is impossible to know.

everything we have seen has been through our eyes.

so how can we prove it’s real?

because we saw it?

some people claim to see ghosts.

some people claim to see even more absurd things.

how do we know we aren’t all absurd?

i don’t know where i’m going with this.

but i am glad my logic is still coming through even when i’m completely wasted.

but wait.

if i’m using logic.

that’s just one side of the coin.

well the other side would be illogical.

faith, emotion, feeling.

how do we know those aren’t real?

we don’t.

the point i’m trying to make.

and i don’t know why it’s taking so long.

is that nothing is true.

and nothing is false.

or is it?

what do we know?

nothing.

and that is all.

and if you haven’t figured this out yet.

or have figured this out.

i say.

hello my friend.

let us live in the moment.

but let us look forward to the future.

because there is no right.

and there is no wrong.

and we could die today.

or we could live on.

but no matter what.

the point of all this.

is that there is no point.

and life is a paradox.

and the truth will never be answered.

so enjoy what you can.

and i will too.

i’ve rambled on as much i can.

and i can’t believe how drunk i am.

well maybe alcohol impairs people differently.

or the same.

with this mindset.

there’s no answer to anything.

but that’s the way to start.

if you start here you can continue happy hearted.

but alas.

the heart is only there to pump blood.

and i am a vampire.

let me suck your blood.

enter: grey dust of the north

peel back the skin of the creature

living on my back

his eyes watch you

waiting to live again in death

for it is life for him and no one else

and the souls living in hell

fill him up

and replenish his black

exit: dust and back

enter: soul of a less-fortunate

you reap for life once more

but second chances are for the living

you haunt around endlessly

in the dark

in the deep

and the creature of which i spoke earlier

it comes for you

for feasting

enter: wise witch of last lands

why does she come?

what is her purpose here?

she sneaks in the dark

hiding from tree to tree

as if i don’t see her

i will rip her eyes out

and my creature will eat her

i come for you my sweet hag

you have broken the laws of the land

no humans among the dead

the hag to the soul:

a dark presence is among you

beware for there are things worse than death

in the black moonlight lives the desperate leech

he feeds off ghouls such as thee

and to thee he has a liking

for your evil is high above the rest

but do not weep your sorrow yet

what was once doom for all there is hope now true

and if not for yourself

you must do this for all hell

the underworld will praise your name

and make you their king of reign for glory and eternity

exit: witch and ghoul

and now i see my end is nigh

for i am the narrator but more importantly

the creature of the lands with evil on my back

and although the feasting was fun while it lasted

there is no hope for dark happiness everlasting

i now must diminish into the light

for i will not go down by that foul soul

i have too much honor

and what’s more

there’s work to be done on earth

dreams need nightmaring

dark feelings need growing

the world is losing its sorrow

the darkness is fading

too many happy lives in those cities

they need these feelings

of depression and hatred

for that is the only way for meaning

and for balance between good and evil

give the underground that soul

i care not

make him king

hell needs one

and he good as any

now i must be off

i must go back

back to the world my brother created

and become the new darkness of day

a new plague breaking through law

and once and for all

kill my brother

the lord of all

Write me off as the fucking scum of the earth.

Scratch my face up to a bleeding crevice.

Dust will follow.

And to every woman whom I’ve ever wronged.

Rip me to shreds through a wood chipper.

I don’t care.

It’s not enough.

I want you to take a sledge hammer to my face.

Take a gun.

Fire it through my heart.

And I will feel pain.

I will.

But it won’t be enough.

Not anymore.

This must be an odd way to tell you.

But from what I’ve seen.

Or what I’ve read, mind you.

It seems it is the end.

If death was possible once.

It is no longer.

Something has changed.

Something that will alter everything on end.

The bringing of a fourth child.

It has already begun.

In the winter.

When we least expected it.

And it went under our skin.

So what was once fiction is now reality.

Disgusting reality.

One that will ruin mankind.

Death will be no longer.

Immortality will be all there is.

It will be a godsend at first.

It will change everything.

People.

Will live forever.

There will be no regrets.

But yet here we are.

The ones who wish nothing more than to be let go.

To be set free.

From this filthy misery.

Some of you call life.

I call it alienation.

To die is all I wish.

But now it’s as if I will only be pushed to seclusion.

Building my own niche.

Where no one will join.

No one will join.

And if anyone joins.

I’ll fucking kill them.

on the markets of 2020

a mass suicide is in uprising

a brigade run by pirates

scavengers of free enterprise

rebels to the order

they try their old ways

the ways of their fathers

but its a lost cause

the invulnerability of the state

the technological leap

to new extremes of security

has peaked and washed over

the night fuzz sleep on the job

their droids do the deed

there’s no way for successful thievery

no use for carrying on

and the buccaneers need revenge for mishaps

for undertakings gone wrong

so many loyal brothers lost

by these dead-faced drones

and there’s no way to bring them back

no use for fighting anymore

this is why our heroes have given up

this is why there’s no point in living on

a mass suicide is underway

one that will annihilate the only anarchists left

may we never forget

the day we all die