.

no one exists besides me. you are all created by my mind for my life, my story. and the only time you exist is when you appear in front of me. when i talk to you online, i am talking to an idea, not a physical body miles away. everything beyond my view is black nothingness until i arrive there. its like an orb around my body. i don’t have a body. i don’t have a mind. there is only nothingness.

..

i was dreaming about things that didn’t exist. ideas, mathematical equations, geometric shapes. nothing visible. just ideas. i can’t even explain the madness of it. it was as if i was in some new dimension. or i was creating one. and it all made sense to me then, at the time, in my dream. it all made perfect sense. but of course when i awoke i forgot it. it was until i had the same type of dream again that i recalled the previous, and realized how absurd it all was. what was i trying to figure out? was there meaning behind any of it? i doubt it. it’s just one of those things your mind does, reaching in and out of neurons without a purpose or goal.

…

i’ve been here before, only, once i was a child, and now i am dying. maybe that’s how it all works. maybe that’s the truth to everything. a child looks at an old woman, unfamiliar. was this person always old? to you people look the same day after day. what is it to grow? you are now the old woman. you smile. the child is afraid. you are ugly. its a never ending cycle, and each one of us will go through it. there’s no escape.

….

pretend for a moment that ever since the instant you were born you were unable to fully breathe. and as you grew you found it harder and harder. and all you ever wanted was to be like all the other normal breathers. and so you were forced to lie to yourself and say you’re special. and it warps around your mind to make you think you are actually better than all these other people. but it just pushes you farther into seclusion until you know no one and no one knows you, or even cares. and you begin to cry, realizing the truth to your sad existence. no one will understand. all they will see is a selfish child. a reflection of themselves before they knew anything about the real world.